It's ripping at me, tearing me apart, and I wonder how I can still live when I've already gone through this. I remember, back in the days, that if I felt the blood and the chaos that marked this as my life, I wouldn't survive it again. I refuse to die, as always, but how long, how long can you cut and rip and maim and kill before there's a broken doll where a girl once stood?

Dress, undress, pull apart, put back together. Can you see the stitches? I feel them everyday.

Curiosity killed the cat, but which cat this time? Run over its tail, fling it back, dump it on the streets, ignore its frantic calls. Are you surprised to hear the screams come from me?

Be careful what you touch. A single finger brush can form a bullet hole.

Pain echoing like an ugly gong in my head, and you're surprised I can't hear? Every word, every touch, every goddamn lie pounds in rhythm to my heart, and can you blame me for wanting it to slow the fuck down? Sometimes, I even want it to stop.

But we call that insanity.

Is it? There's nothing there for me to love. I have to take it back. I try to sleep at night and you appear, even though I've said a million times it's over, I don't care, this isn't me. How many times do I have to say it to make it real? How many times before I can move on? How many times do I have to speak before someone will listen?

Fate and time aren't going to. They never do.

The hearts of angels can't exist, because I don't know where mine is. How long has it been since I felt safe? How long has it been since I knew that I wouldn't find the umpteenth knife in my back? How long has it been since love has been given to me unconditional and pure in intentions and in thought?

How can I believe.

Faith. Faith. Hope. Faith. Reality. None of them fit hand in hand, because faith and hope will abandon those who aren't worthy. How did I mess up? Was I too sad? I can't help a physical condition, show me why it was given to me!

How many tears have I shed over this until I felt spent? There isn't enough sadness I can share anymore. It's become so wedged in, such a part of me, I don't know what to do and it doesn't help you pounded it in. No escape, you sealed it off.

You made it so I can't move on. Every word an insult, and I was worth so little... why are you here? Is your life spent on making others miserable? What did I do to you? I loved you and you ran away.

Are all the others going to run away too?

Lock me up, throw away the key. No amount of help can save me. You drew me down to your level, and I still feel the poison cursing through my veins. You couldn't keep it to yourself, could you? The first one I trusted, and he ran away. The second one scarred me. The third one showed me paranoia.

Why did you destroy everything I had left!

How can they understand? How can they get that I let you rule me for so long, and now that I'm without corruption there is NO path for me! I have to wander alone, and hope I find my path again. Alone, alone, alone. It was your worst fear, wasn't it? Why throw it on me?

I have but one comfort, and it's the fact I'm fucking alive. You may have tried to kill me, but keep this a secret: you can never kill me. You can take everything from me, but you can't make me die. I wander these paths, and don't know my direction, but I have the comfort you metaphorically killed yourself.

Pity you couldn't take me with you as with everything else. I'll heal, you won't. I'll find my way, and I'll be the last thing you see when you disappear in the fog. There's nothing more you can take from me. You took it all, but I'm finding them, piece by piece.

One word, three words, six. As many as you say, as many as you think, they'll breathe their own meaning and nothing will be the same. There's no way out, dying, forgetting, losing.

(because you know you're killing me within)

How many times can you break me until it's enough for you?

(with all your weapons darling, it's ohsoeasy to imagine)

Live. Breathe. Live. Live. Death and decay surrounds us because we don't know what to do. Let's pretend for a minute we never died inside, and that we actually knew the souls that lived within. How long would it take until we came to this? Can you guess? I'm patient as always. Losing my mind, losing my mind, losing my mind...

(the answer's nevereverever so let's keep pretending)

Let's dream longer for a moment or two. Screaming's lost in the tide and I can't swim in this... it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Keep going, keep dreaming, but just know I'm falling behind.

(it's only a dream; it's only a dream)

Warping reality's a fix for us, because that's all we know how to do now. But when I want to risk a step I KNOW you will not follow. I snap, I scream, I fight, but it's a losing battle because you never heard a sound.

(so-my-fury-will-be-the-death-of-us-all)

Fake it. Pretend it. Imagine it. Blood and gore surrounds us but we can hardly see because our fear is right there. It's mocking me, and all I can do is run. Away from the drug, because I don't want it there. I'm tired of dying and I'm tired of praying.

(can you hear one last word?)

You don't hear me anymore. I'm a mockery of hell, someone without hope or faith or wisdom. Don'tbreathedon'tbreathedon'tbreathe...

(how can angels exist when the only one i wanted was taken away)

See the red now? See the crimson now? Open your eyes; open them, open them...

LOOK AT ME!

Do you see me now? Not the superficiality, not the person you made up in your head, not the person you pretended to love, but do you see me?

(i'm dying)

Don't fix me. You'll break me apart. Don't cure me. The disease will spread. Lose me, forget me, kill me, but I'm the pest you can't get rid of. But don't worry darling, insanity is brief and you won't know what to do with me.

(becausenooneeverdoes)

Catharsis:

1 : purgation

2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension

3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

(i want it back)